Thursday, April 11, 2013

What is it with BEST FRIENDS?

Hey folks, really can you be your spouse's best friend?

When a man or a woman is asked, who's your best friend?
It is very common to hear answers like; "my wife is my best friend" or
"my husband is my best friend".

Really, do you think it is normal and healthy
for any marriage? Personally, I have my reservations about this norm.
My wife is not my best friend, she can not fit that role! My wife is my wife,
I love her to bits, but she can not perform the responsibility of my best friend.

Before you go up in arms against me, please hear me out. I know some folks are
already squeezing their faces and rolling their eyes now……thinking….."what does he mean
my husband is not my best friend? Who else would be my best friend if not my husband?"

Let's cut the chase, the role of a best friend can not be juxtaposed with the role of a wife/husband.
This are two distinct role that can not meet, they are two parallel lines that should not meet. My wife is the apple of my eye, my love, my heartbeat and the receiver of my love and affection. A man and his wife and vice versa is in a covenanted relationship that is ordained by God. It is a special kind of relationship and it is unique and holy!

In as much as there is a special and unique bond between a man and a woman in marriage, to rely on your spouse as your 'best friend' is totally unrealistic. There will be some aspect of your spouse's life that you can not understand either from a male or female perspective. There are bound to be issues concerning your lives that you will need to discuss with someone else and not your spouse.

TD Jakes said and I quote; "venting every frustration on your spouse can lead to saying things that you will regret. Sometimes, even in the best of marriages, your frustration is with her/him, something he/she did, so how can you get objective counsel from her/him?"

You see, often times, a man needs to be able to talk about his frustrations to someone he's not emotionally attached or responsible for, someone he can dissipate his anger on without having to explain why he had to do that for the next 5 weeks. When you try too hard to make your marriage an 'all for one, one for all' idea, there is the tendency for you to loose your individuality.

To me, it is an anathema for a man or a woman/man to loose his/her hobbies or things of interest that he/she likes just because he/she wants to please his/her spouse. That is not healthy! Why should you drop your hobbies just because you are married to someone who does not find it interesting? There should be separate interest and needs that must be nurtured and enjoyed apart from each other if you want your marriage to stand the test of time. This is very common among women; just because your husband loves golf does not mean you have to follow him to the golf club or to learn how to play golf. I hear a lot of women say; 'you know he loves football, I have to develop interest also in watching football…what? Pleeeeeesssssseeeeeee

Folks, you have the ability to be fully and madly in love and still share different interests. It would be terrible if you allow your marriage to destroy your own personality. You have a life too, so live it to the fullest! "Marriage is meant to provide an opportunity for you to share who you are, and not destroy who you are" - TD Jakes

Believe it or not, a lot of marriages are dying from spending too much together….I know a lot of folks will question my assertion here…thinking….are couples not meant to spend most time together? I beg to disagree sir/ma, spending too much together is what is killing your marriage, it can be stifling!

Please, I beg of you, give your relationship a breathing space….spending time together is good but when you have to spend your waking up and sleeping together every moment of time, you are killing that relationship. Haba! You live together, work together, go to church together, play golf together, go out together, travel together, holiday together and sleep together and yet you wonder what is really wrong in your marriage? Please shine your eyes!

It is refreshing to get individual time if you want your marriage to last longer, you have to bring a balance into the picture. Please, ladies, there is nothing wrong in your man having a boys night together with his friends….it is healthy, stop reading meanings to every move of a man. Most importantly, when that night out with the boys is not to a strip club.

There is nothing wrong in taking occasional individual vacation, must you go together all the time? Ladies, be comfortable to cultivate other friendship that meet the needs he can not meet. Men, please go and play your golf or snooker alone, must she tag along? Let her have a life of her own.

Individual times keep relationship healthy…..go get yours!

© Kay Lord